Love of self is … masturbation

So there’s a display of student art work in the local Starbucks and inscribed on one of these pieces is the following: “Love of self is the answer to all problems.” That, my friends, is a lie. And not just any lie. It’s a damn lie.

“Love of self is the answer to all problems.” If only the slaves had known! If only the Jews in Germany had known. A few positive mental affirmations and it would have all gone away. Problem solved! Imagine me doing a Chris Rock impersonation when I say, “love of self” doesn’t answer shit. You know what answers problems a lot of times, though? Despite what you read on Volvo bumpers? War!

Why This Atheist Gives Up Booze for Lent

Lent is once again upon us. For those of you who aren’t Catholics, Lent is the 40 days necessary to recover from Mardi Gras hangovers. Or, alternately, it’s the 40 days in which you prepare yourself for the most important day on the Christian calendar, Easter. (You’d be forgiven if you thought Christmas was the most important due to the commotion and marketing bonanza. But rest assured that if U.S. marketers ever figure out a way to use a grisly execution and resurrection to move merchandise, Easter will regain prominence.)

Quote of the Day

“If we can prevent the government from wasting the labor of the people under the pretense of caring for them, they must be happy.” –Thomas Jefferson to Thomas Cooper.

Unlike that ridiculous “Dissent is the highest form of patriotism,” Jefferson actually said (wrote) above. (Source)

He also said this: “It behooves us to avail ourselves of every occasion for taking off the surcharge [of offices and expense] that it may never be seen here that, after leaving to labor the smallest portion of its earnings on which it can subsist, government shall itself consume the residue of what it was instituted to guard.”

Granted, Jefferson thought America should remain an agricultural society forever, but, you know, whatever.

Hey Ken, What’s Going on With Your Novel?

Glad you asked! Well, things with The First Annual Grand Prairie Rabbit Festival are moving apace. Hopefully January 2010 will get here sooner rather than later and people will still have money left to buy books. Just last week, the editor asked me for my author’s bio for the book’s cover. (He made me cut out my claims of being the real Batman.) Haven’t taken the author’s photo yet — will likely ask Lisa “Homesick Texan” Fain to do those honors. And haven’t picked out cover art.

In other news, it looks like I’ve got a Hollywood-type agent to complement my literary-type agent. So I’m pretty psyched about that. Granted, I don’t know if there’s a huge market for a mildly humorous story about a straight Cajun priest who DOESN’T molest anything, but we shall see. Hell, if Wild Hogs can get made, anything can. I’ll be talking to the Hollywood-type agent this afternoon hopefully.

Meanwhile, my literary-type agent is leaving the agency for exciting new opportunities. I like the guy and aside from, you know, getting me a book deal, he was also a pretty good editor. So hopefully when the second book is done this summer, he’ll either tackle it or send me in the right direction.

So that’s what’s going on with all of that.

Nine Inches of Education

Woody the Pencilman! Have you heard of him. A teacher friend of mine called me in hysterics after stumbling upon this teaching tool in a catalog. Yes, she’s as dirty-minded as the rest of you. Sadly, the material on the web isn’t nearly as funny as the stuff she read to me–material which included talks about taking Woody home, using him in a circle and the teaching of oral skills–but it gives you a taste. A taste of wood. I’ve bolded the parts that had the entire staff of one school in stitches.

Catch that flying pencilman! Woody the Pencilman was developed as a way to put fun into writing. Woody is a plush toy waiting to be described and animated. Students often need inspiration and motivation to think of creative writing ideas. Toss Woody to a classmate and ask him to name a verb or adjective that describes how Woody looks and moves. Eighteen writing activity cards come with the Woody Writes Set and each card has a different type of writing assignment on it for kids to ponder and create. Woody Writes makes writing fun to teach and model. Use Woody Writes whenever you have an extra 5 minutes to fill, or as a base for daily writing. Show students that generating writing ideas can be hands-on and fun!

If you’ve got a handful of mid-30s degenerates giggling like school girls over Woody, imagine what would happen if you brought him into a classroom of 13-year-old boys. Full-on riot, I’d imagine.

Tweet Regret

I used to wake up hungover, horrified that I’d made an ass out of myself in front of some girl and ashamed I drove home drunk.

Now I wake up terrified and convinced that I got home at 2 in the morning and went on a Twitter rampage and have no recollection of it.

(I actually woke up this morning at 6:30 and went to the computer to check. Thankfully, nothing. This time. But if you’re interested in the potential of such a meltdown, follow me at @kenwheaton)

New Meaning for the Word ‘Prick’

Not that I ever was a believer in “intelligent design,” but an article in the Feb. 14 issue of Science News should convince anyone that there’s a whole lot that isn’t grand, majestic and perfect about nature.  For a quick reference have a look at them there spiky knobs pictured up above (courtesy of Science News). That there’s what passes for a penis on two different types of seed beetle. Yeeeowch! (The cross section is the equipment on the lady bug.) If anything, the evidence seems to be piling up for something I’d like to call “drunken design.”

The article is called A Most Private Evolution: Dumb designs for sex: Evolutionary biology walks on the weird side. And it’s worth checking out for the photos alone–including one of a male  duck’s cork-screw penis and a female duck’s cork-screw vagina, which just happens to cork-screw int he opposite direction. Again. Yeeeeowch! In an article fitting for Valentine’s Day (note the issue date), we are given a look at what amounts to an evolutionary genitalia arm’s race that for some reason hampers the species’ ability to procreate like bunnies.

Discussions of evolution often glorify the beautifully apt forms: orchids with nectar recesses just the right length for the tonguelike structure of a certain moth, or harmless butterflies with the same wing colors as a poisonous neighbor. Yet the most dramatic examples of the power of evolutionary theory may come from the strange and ugly stuff — biology that seems too dumb to have been designed.

Ohhh, Gooood For You

So walking to work this morning, I noticed a small crew shooting a scene out on Third Ave. between 43rd and 44th. It seemed to be a fight scene between a white business dude and a black guy on a bike (possibly a messenger). How tempted was I to go stomping around just out of view going, “Ah ta-da da da like this in the background.”

My Nose Looks Like…

…this:

Not a clear picture, but it’d probably look even worse with a clear shot.

Valentine’s Day Advice for the Emotionally Needy

1. One word says it all: “Stalking.”

2. Send an extremely expensive bouquet, sign it “Secret Admirer” then ask repeatedly, “So, you get anything special today?”

3. Nothing proves the depth of your feelings like 1,500 word blog post declaring your love.

4. Girl of your dreams taken? Be sure to upstage her boyfriend’s gift. She’ll like the gesture; he’ll appreciate the lesson.

5. Chicks are powerless against real-life reenactments of the Say Anything boombox-in-the-rain scene.

6. Chocolate’s OK. But nothing changes a girl’s mind like a chocolate labrador puppy.

7. Write a poem using these words: infinity, destiny, boundless, abyss, eternity, consummation. Remember: Women are completely turned off by rhyming and humor.

8. Nothing says “I love you” like an intervention. (Because it’s obviously booze/drugs preventing her from seeing all that you have to offer.)

9. Not sure if she likes you? A diamond ring and surprise proposal works every time!

10. NEVER, EVER take my advice!