The Only Sure-Fire Solution for Swine Flu

There’s only one way to end this porcine menace, my friends. Every single pig in North America (and possibly Central America too) must be killed. Then those animals must be deep fried or barbecued.

I will gladly take it from there.

Second Avenue Subway Line Delayed Again

That’s not news. That’s just telling us all what we already knew: The MTA is a bunch of gibbering baboons. And not particularly bright ones at that. The Freedom Tower (or whatever it’s called now) will be finished at the World Trade Center before the Second Avenue subway line. And I don’t realistically expect that to be done before 2050.

You Must Watch This Video

Best, weirdest thing you’ll see all day. (I’m not going to tell you where I found it, as the fellas who sent it my way work at an esteemed business publication and probably should be doing better things with their time than passing this sort of thing around. Fine. He outed himself.)

Wildwood Barbecue Didn’t Suck

Hill Country still sits safely atop the New York City ‘cue hill, but I’ve decided I wouldn’t be terribly embarrassed to be seen eating at Wildwood Barbecue. There’s a lot about Wildwood that cue snobs will want to hate immediately. Its location on Park Avenue. Its jack-of-all cue styles menu. The fact that its owners proudly use restaurant corporate speak on the website and elsewhere. And this tag line: An Urban Twist on Classic American BBQ.

Gag me with an undercooked rib!

But good news. The food is actually good.

I Have a Question About ‘Caprica’

The Battlestar Galactica prequel, Caprica, is available on DVD and for download today. I’m definitely going to give it a shot. But something doesn’t make sense to me. This show revolves around Admiral Adama’s dad, so it’s not separated from BSG by a whole hell of a lot of time. Am I supposed to believe that within the space of 58 years, the Cylons are invented, escape to Earth 1, build an entire civilization from scratch, invent more Cylons, nuke Earth 1, and then come back to nuke the 12 colonies?

Or am I missing something?

Must Be Something in the Ice

I’m pretty sure that Brazen Head, one of the six million bars within a 30-second walk from our apartment, poisons its ice. I don’t FEEL like I drink a lot when I’m there, but it seems the hangovers are out of all proportion to the amount consumed. Yup. Must be the ice. That’s my story and I’m sticking it to it.

Once In A Lifetime Opportunity!

“Now is the perfect time to buy,” I’m being told by realtors in New York. “You won’t see prices this low again in your lifetime. And the mortgage rates? Forget it. Never be this low again.”

Oddly enough, they were telling me this last October — when prices were 8% higher and rates were at 6%. And again in December, when one apartment developer refused to cover closing costs and wouldn’t drop his price another $10,000 to meet our offer. At the time, we were sort of desperate and thought that apartment–with all its faults–was the only similar that we’d ever see in our price range. Now we know better. And that apartment’s still on the market. Has been on the market for over four months now. They’ve dropped the asking price. Even if we were to overlook all the faults and make another run at it, we wouldn’t offer the price we made last year.

Hey, developers and owners. Consider this. That offer might be 20% below asking price, but you might not see offers this generous again in your lifetime.

Nation’s First Black President Tells U.N. to Stuff Anti-Racism Conference

Good for the Obama administration.

A major United Nations anti-racism conference was thrown into further disarray Sunday when more countries joined a U.S. boycott amid concerns it was developing into a platform for attacking Israel.

The United Nation’s anti-racism efforts make about as much sense as its Human Right Commission, both of which have turned into little more than pot-clanging lunatic shelters for the likes of Iran, Sudan and other countries that have elevated torture and violation of human rights to art forms. Sure. Let’s take lessons on racism from the sort of anti-Semites who would make Hitler seem like a Jew-lover. These are people that want to make it illegal to joke about their religion while calling Jews a bunch of baby-killing, half-pig/half-ape vampires.

The United Nations is a joke. The fact that it was George W. Bush saying as much for the last eight years didn’t make it any less a statement of fact. Perhaps one benefit of having Democrats in charge will be that we can ALL admit that without being called torture-happy right-wing reactionaries. When it comes to attacking the U.S., the West, and the sorts of civilizations that gave it life, it’s a cacophony of ankle-biting goons. When it comes to doing something–anything–about actual evil and true threats to the world at large, it’s both blind and toothless.

Of course, there’s always one bunch of useful idiots in our midst (and it’s typically this same bunch). The Congressional Black Caucus, last seen on its knees sucking off the Castro regime, is “deeply dismayed” that the Obama administration didn’t itself embrace a knee-jerk response just because the brain trust in the U.N. decided to call its hate fest an “anti-racism” conference. I don’t expect our elected representatives to have IQs much higher than a box of saltines, but these clowns continually fail to meet even my basement-level expectations.

Why I Won’t Live in Williamsburg

Here’s your answer. In photos. (Via Ace)

Nice Boy, but as Sharp as a Sack of Wet Mice

As Karol says, “It never fails to amaze me how much men will overlook for a little nookie.”

The sad tale of a Hipster Grifter … and one of the dumbest marks around. And damn if this isn’t one of the funniest quotes I’ve ever read.

Basically, the consensus was to stick around because you like this girl, but don’t get too attached, because she’s going to be dead in three months”

And this:

“She was dancing, smoking pot. I thought it was really strange that if she was dying of lung cancer, she’d be smoking pot.”

But, best of all, was this note sent from our Villain to a bar patron: “I want you to throw a hot dog down my hall.”