Twenty-first century inhabitants of certain parts of the North American continent who believed in SHELFELF seemed to have an odd relationship with the god. Much like the other deities he is associated with — Jesus H. Christ and Santa Claus — he was a seasonal god who appeared only once a year. Indeed, SHELFELF may have been a synthesis of the other two gods, combining their powers of surveillance and control over nature. While primitive Americans ignored him for most of the year, as winter approached, their thoughts turned to SHELFELF. Typically, his first appearance coincided with a celebration of thanks for the previous harvest, during which giant representations of SHELFELF — as well as Santa — were dragged down the streets of a major city for all to see.
As winter solstice approached, smaller physical manifestations of SHELFELF were placed throughout their homes. Suddenly, a god that they had little time for during good weather was omnipresent. He stalked the home and, in particular, the children of a household. If the children, likely sequestered inside on long winter days, behaved, they were given gifts. If the children misbehaved, SHELFELF would not only deprive them of gifts, but preliminary research indicates that Americans believed SHELFELF had the power to make winter longer, make summer hotter and destroy the next season’s crops.
- Even More Talkin’ Funny: Louisiana Style
- Hometown Barbecue Is Good Eats, but …
- Things You Can’t Do Without a Thumb
- Talkin’ Funny: Louisiana Style
- The New E-Book Is Here! The New E-Book Is Here!
- “I Don’t Care What They Think” and Other Lies Writers Tell
- Saturday May 31: Robicelli vs. Wheaton in a Literary-Cupcake Smackdown!
- I Saw Something but Didn’t Say Something at the Brooklyn Half
- Look! Up in the Sky! 70s Mom!
- Sleepy Hollow Half 2014
- A Healthy Fear of Botulism
- Ace o’ Spades
- Alarming News
- Campaign Trail
- Dawn Summers
- Dorothy Parker Was Being Nice
- Fucked in Park Slope
- I Can Has Cheezburger
- Ireland Adventure
- Jason Primm
- Kendra Cunningham (Blonde Logic)
- Kensington Books
- Lee Greenfeld (Achilles In the Alleyway)
- Lileks: The Bleat
- Luis Alberto Urrea
- My Twitter
- Robert George
- That's What She Said
- The Awl
- The Homesick Texan
- The Nondating Life
- The Subway Chronicles
- This Fish Needs a Bicycle