Bow Down Before SHELFELF the Almighty

ElfShelf1A thousand years from now, when archaeologists are sifting through the remains of our civilization, they will determine that we worshipped a deity called SHELFELF. From the fake future report:

Twenty-first century inhabitants of certain parts of the North American continent who believed in SHELFELF seemed to have an odd relationship with the god. Much like the other deities he is associated with — Jesus H. Christ and Santa Claus — he was a seasonal god who appeared only once a year. Indeed, SHELFELF may have been a synthesis of the other two gods, combining their powers of surveillance and control over nature. While primitive Americans ignored him for most of the year, as winter approached, their thoughts turned to SHELFELF. Typically, his first appearance coincided with a celebration of thanks for the previous harvest, during which giant representations of SHELFELF — as well as Santa — were dragged down the streets of a major city for all to see.

As winter solstice approached, smaller physical manifestations of SHELFELF were placed throughout their homes. Suddenly, a god that they had little time for during good weather was omnipresent. He stalked the home and, in particular, the children of a household. If the children, likely sequestered inside on long winter days, behaved, they were given gifts. If the children misbehaved, SHELFELF would not only deprive them of gifts, but preliminary research indicates that Americans believed SHELFELF had the power to make winter longer, make summer hotter and destroy the next season’s crops.

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