10 Things I Wish You’d Stop Doing on the Subway

1. Clipping your fingernails (especially if your cuticles are bleeding).
2. Laughing hysterically with your friends. The joke wasn’t funny, your laugh is annoying and the girls across the aisle aren’t paying attention to you.
3. Sighing because I won’t give up my seat. You’re not pregnant, crippled, old or hot. It ain’t gonna happen. Hell, I’m married, so even if you are hot, you can remain standing. And sighing.
4. Performing magic tricks involving live birds.
5. Asking for change on behalf of the United Homeless Organization. (And those nasty-ass ’sangwiches’ don’t help your case when you’re shouting in my ear.)
6. Reading over my shoulder. Get your own damn book.
7. Clipping your toenails.
8. Peeling that orange and dropping the peels on the floor.
9. Singing along with the Mariah Carey song playing on your iPod. You may be wearing heels, but your adam’s apple is giving you away.
10. Shitting yourself — and the seat.

UPDATE: On the ride home, woman sitting next to me is shelling peanuts! To be fair, she was putting the shells in the bag, not on the floor. … Also, ad your own in comments!

Check Out The Subway Chronicles

I’m adding my good friend Jackie Cangro’s blog to ye olde blogroll. I’m probably not going to make it a habit to announce additions, but since Jackie was the first person to publish me in book form, I owe her. Big Time. While you’re at it, order a copy of the book she edited, also called The Subway Chronicles. I’m in it, so you know it’s good! (It’s also very cheap.) Also featured in the book are Calvin Trillin, Jonathan Lethem and some other people.