10 Things I Wish You’d Stop Doing on the Subway

1. Clipping your fingernails (especially if your cuticles are bleeding).
2. Laughing hysterically with your friends. The joke wasn’t funny, your laugh is annoying and the girls across the aisle aren’t paying attention to you.
3. Sighing because I won’t give up my seat. You’re not pregnant, crippled, old or hot. It ain’t gonna happen. Hell, I’m married, so even if you are hot, you can remain standing. And sighing.
4. Performing magic tricks involving live birds.
5. Asking for change on behalf of the United Homeless Organization. (And those nasty-ass ‘sangwiches’ don’t help your case when you’re shouting in my ear.)
6. Reading over my shoulder. Get your own damn book.
7. Clipping your toenails.
8. Peeling that orange and dropping the peels on the floor.
9. Singing along with the Mariah Carey song playing on your iPod. You may be wearing heels, but your adam’s apple is giving you away.
10. Shitting yourself — and the seat.

UPDATE: On the ride home, woman sitting next to me is shelling peanuts! To be fair, she was putting the shells in the bag, not on the floor. … Also, ad your own in comments!

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3 responses to “10 Things I Wish You’d Stop Doing on the Subway

  1. I wish you would stop…

    sitting next to me with any kind of nasty, pungent food.

    opening your legs as wide as possible when you sit. you and i both know your junk doesn’t need that much room.

    preaching at me, especially in the morning.

    nervous knee-bouncing or toe tapping. i’ve had a long day…the least you could do is sit still.

  2. I wish you would stop rubbin your face on the poles and lickin em. you know who you are.

  3. Bringing your bike on the subway during rush hour. Better if you ride the bike, rather than it ride the subway. Redundant, no?

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