This Threesome Cannot Continue

While sorting through the wreckage that was my life apartment, I found a box in the bathroom. In the box was a double-headed showerhead. It was a gift from years ago, 2005 I believe. I only remember because it was the first time I attempted the New York marathon and we’d gone to Boston for a wedding and I didn’t get a chance to run that weekend but did get a chance to experience, at the end of a cold, rainy miserable day, the sublime pleasure of a high-powered double-headed showerhead.

So there it was, five years later, still in the box. I’m sure I could wrap a pretty good metaphor around that — how we let things slide in relationships, putting off even these small things because of an irrational fear of plumbing. Wait. What? Nevermind.

But newly single and in an unstable emotional state, I decided I’d do something even crazier than cleaning the entire apartment. I’d take on a plumbing project as well. Because I live on the edge! I’m a wild and crazy guy!

Here’s what the project involved. 1) Unscrewing the old showerhead. 2) Wrapping a bit of sticky tape around the threading of the arm. 3) Screwing on the new showerhead. It was that easy. (I’ve fixed the damn toilet before, so I don’t know why I thought a showerhead would be difficult).

So I prepared for my first blissful shower. Two showerheads, me and some hot, hot water. Oh, it was gonna be so good.

And it was a disappointment.

I’ve got pretty good water pressure in the bathroom. With the old, single showerhead I got a solid, reliable performance every time. But now that the water was being diverted through two showerheads, it just wasn’t enough. Mind you, it’s okay. Some people who suffer the indignities of low water pressure or mandated environmentally friendly low-flow showerheads might even think it was adequate. But I KNOW better. I know what my shower, with one head, is capable of. It’s better than this flashy, trampy two-headed set-up with its promises of hedonistic delight.

Oh, I’ve given the double-headed temptress a chance. It’s been up for two weeks now. I thought maybe I’d get used to it. But no. It’s still a disappointment — especially on days like today when it’s cold and rainy outside and you just want a hard stream of hot water to wash away all life’s troubles.

So, it’s back to an old, reliable one-headed unit. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. And if I get the urge for two-headed showers again, I guess I’ll just creep out to a hotel.

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