Some totally common side effects of the flu vaccine

fluvaccineSome not uncommon side effects of the flu shot may include

  • Getting sick 24 hours after getting the shot
  • Saying “This fucking shot got me sick, which is why I never used to get it in the first place.”
  • Saying “Besides, I’m not six or 75 so it’s not like I needed the damn thing in the first place. But everyone’s like ‘OMG. Y U NO GET FLU SHOT?!? U DUM OR SUMPIN. ANYWAY ITS FREE.'” And you like free things. So.
  • Suddenly remembering there’s no such thing as a free lunch.
  • Being told by your wife, “You can’t get sick from the flu shot.”
  • Thinking, “Oh yeah, says who?” and hoping she’ll respond, “The government. That’s who.” And then you say, “Yeah, well the government says MSG allergies don’t exist and essential oils are a hoax. Also, the government is now run by Donald Trump. So who you gonna believe? Me or Donald Trump?”
  • Not saying any of the above because she might slap you in the arm where you got the flu shot and that shit hurts and then she’ll call you a baby and remind you that she TOLD you to move the arm after getting the shot but did you listen? No you did not listen.
  • Googling flu shot side effects.
  • Clicking on the CDC website and being told the flu cannot give you the flu.
  • Thinking, “Well they would say that wouldn’t they? They’re pumping it into everyone.”
  • Thinking, “These are the same clowns who said they had Ebola so under control.”
  • Thinking, “Oh, they use a dead virus do they? How does that even work? Couldn’t I just chew on a snotty flu tissue and immunize myself?”
  • Thinking, “Maybe I’ll text my friend at the CDC and set some shit straight right now. Get to the bottom of all this.” But can practically HEAR the eye rolling.
  • Thinking, “God. I’m starting to sound like those anti-vaxxer loons I make fun of on Facebook.”
  • Reading the line on the CDC site: “Some studies have found a possible small association of injectable flu vaccine with Guillain-Barré syndrome (GBS).”
  • Forgetting all about the flu.
  • Feeling a slight numbness in the extremities.
  • Thinking, “Holy shit. I’ve definitely got Guillain-Barre syndrome.”
  • Thinking, “That’ll show them all.” 
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